Vampire Diaries Episode 16: There Goes The Neighborhood

Opening Credits


Hello and welcome to the 27 vampires from the tomb beneath Mystic Falls. They’re all peacefully cohabitating together on a farm. Farm is the new tomb, people! Benefits of the farm versus the tomb: cable tv (if you can remember to use the remote control to change the channel), new haircut styles, refrigerators, pianos to play on, and…oh yeah FOOD!

Anna walks in on some bad a$$ looking vampire feeding on Mrs. Gibbons, the owner of the vampire farm. Anna doesn’t like this vampire and wants Mrs. Gibbons to get some rest, but he compels her and then we get a close of the bad a$$ vampire.

Bad A$$ Vampire: Vampire Snarl

Houston, we have our bad guy.

La Casa de Matt

Matt: Mom? Mom, wake up. Are you in there? Drunk? Alive? Vampirized? Are you in this episode?

Matt’s Mom: Of course I’m in this episode. I just got here. Can’t get rid of me that quickly.

Matt: Look Mom, if you want your contract to last longer than Vickie’s, you’re going to have start acting responsible. Vickie bit it in 6 episodes, which means you’ve probably got only 2 to go before you’re vamped and most likely staked. Capiche? I’m getting way too much screen time lately and it’s making me suspicious. Now go to the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls—your old bartender job is available.

Caroline: Good morning everyone, glorious today isn’t it? I mean, I have another scene. AND, I’m appearing before Elena. Can you believe it? Turns out if I wear more conservative clothing I can appear in more episodes. No longer am I the slutty best friend, I’m about to take over.

Matt’s Mom: Check the script you moron. Elena’s in the next scene and the camera will focus on her blinking longer than it would show you changing a tire. Now get out of my house—talking to you lessens my screen time too.

Mystic Falls High School

Elena: Stefan, what are you doing here? I thought you didn’t go to school anymore. Do you go to school now? Did you re-enroll?

Stefan: I’m not sure. But I figured I’d show up and flirt with you. The last episode was kind of a downer and I thought we could have some fun.

Elena: Oh fun is good.

Stefan: Yeah, plus I’ve spent so much time furrowing my eyebrows together I think I’m getting wrinkles and when you’re a vampire, those NEVER fade. Trust me. I’ve tried the creams.

Elena: Yikes. We’d better find some fun—right now!

Caroline: We need to go on a double date tonight.

Elena: Um, isn’t that a bad idea?

Caroline: Why?

Elena: I used to boink your boyfriend. Plus I highly suspect that the level of weirdness combined with Matt’s unrequited love for me will force us into some kind of melodramatic girl moment.

Caroline: True, but Bonnie’s still MIA so I get to use up all of the best friend screen time and anyway I’ve been perfecting my on-screen cry. Want to see?

Elena: No.

Stefan: Yes.

Caroline: Great, see you tonight!

Elena: Eyes Stefan Warily

Stefan: What? We’re supposed to have fun.

Elena: Yeah, but I thought you meant naked fun.

Stefan: Oh…

Vampire Farm

Pearl: Harper, this is called a cell phone and this is texting, you use it to avoid social interaction—which everyone avoids these days. Neato huh?

Bad A$$ Vampire: Vampire Stare. Vampire Snarl. Vampire Grimace.

Pearl: What do you want?

Bad A$$: Just establishing the fact that I’m a Bad A$$.


At Salvatore Mansion

Damon discovers Pearl and Anna, and totally goes to attack Pearl, but she is strong and twists his hand.

Pearl: Say uncle! Say uncle!

Damon: UNCLE!!!!!!!!!!

Pearl: Vampire-Throw

Couch: Ow!

Damon: What is your deal?

Pearl: So check it. All of the vampires you helped imprison in the tomb are out. We have a farm, but we want more. We want to take Mystic Falls back for the vampires. And you’re going to help. Also what is UP with you supplying everyone with Anti-Damon? Huh?

Damon: Dude, it’s not 1864 anymore, are you on crack? You can’t possibly take over the town.

Pearl: In exchange I’ll give you Katherine. I was her bff. I can find her, give her to you.
Damon: Well…I never want to see her again, so there! Not helping you!

Pearl: Vamps Out and AAAAAAAA! Vampire-Fingers Damon’s eyes!

Damon’s Eyes: FML! FML! FML!!!!!


At Elena’s

Jeremy: Signs into a vampire chat room; How do I become a vampire?

Vampire Chat Room: Bite Rob Pattinson

Jeremy: For real! How do I become one?

Vampire Chat Room: Listen to the Twilight soundtrack 27 times backwards.

Jeremy: How do you kill a vampire?

Vampire Chat Room: Drop all 4 Twilight books on its head.

Then Stefan comes to the door with flowers for Elena for their super duper double date with Caroline and Matt and he announces he doesn’t drive his car---huh? Also he once double dated with Hugh Heffner and took out one of the twins. Sure, Stefan, sure. I believe it as much as I believe the story about you, Bon Jovi and the hot tub. Not!


The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

So Damon and Matt’s Mom are at the bar together in less than half a second she’s working on picking him up.


Matt’s Mom: You’re new around here, huh?

Damon: Oh if you only knew how not new I was. What are you doing here anyway?

Matt’s Mom: Well I was supposed to interview to be the bartender but the manager blew me off.

Damon: That’s horrible.

Matt’s Mom: Because I boinked her boyfriend.

Damon: That’s more horrible.

Matt’s Mom: So?

Damon: Eh, you’re right. Who cares?

And then Aunt Jenna shows up and OMG Matt’s Mom used to babysit her and….all three of them decide to do shots.

Damon: This won’t end well

OMG if I have to see a Damon/Matt’s Mom/Aunt Jenna threesome…I’m going to be very put out Kevin Williamson, FYI
Meanwhile the double date has arrived! And it is Awk-ward!

Elena: Hey remember the time when we were in diapers?

Matt: Oh yeah! That was awesome! Remember that time we used to date?

Elena: Oh yeah! That was awesome! Remember that other time we used to date?

Matt: Oh yeah that was awesome.

Stefan: This is not awesome.

Caroline: FML

Then Matt sees that his mom is there—not on a job interview—but getting drunk with Damon Salvatore. And Aunt Jenna.

Matt: FML

Back at the Vamp Farm

Bad A$$ Vampire: This is so boring. I hate this farm, it’s just like the tomb!

Some other vampire: No, it’s better. Farm is the new tomb!

Bad A$$ Vampire: Screw staying inside. Screw Pearl and the tomb she rode in on.

Harper: No! You can’t leave, it’s a different world out there and Pearl said no.

Bad A$$ Vampire: I’ve been out of the tomb for 2 days and I already discovered the sexy way to wear a leather jacket. I can handle outside.Come on some other vampire, let’s go!


Back at Elena’s:

Someone’s at the door and it’s…ANNA!

Anna: Surprise! I didn’t leave town with my mom. Let’s hang out.
Jeremy: SO knows she’s a vampire!

BTW is it just me, or has Jeremy’s hair grown longer, blacker and slightly more emo?


Jeremy: So can you tell me more about vampires?

Anna: No.

Jeremy: I think they’re cool and they’re real and I think you might be one.

Anna: No I’m not, and they’re not cool and they don’t exist and no I’m not one!

Jeremy: Mmmm ok, whatever let’s eat.
At the Only Restaurant

Matt: Drunk parents are so not awesome!

Caroline: Elena! Bathroom! Now!

Elena: But I don’t have to go.

Caroline: OMG, girls go to the bathroom in packs. What planet are you from?

Elena: Planet-My-Best-Angle-Is-Not-In-The-Bathroom-I-look-better-in-the-lowlights!

Damon: Lets get hammered

Matt’s Mom: YEAH BABY!

Aunt Jenna: OMG Kids are here! Abort! Abort!

Damon: Seriously, the bar at the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls needs to get its own place.

Stefan and Matt play pool

Matt: Ugh, you’re good at everything. You’re such a Gary Stu. You’re perfect and have everything.

Stefan: Really?

Matt: Dude, you stole my girlfriend.

Stefan: What a dick.

Matt: Yeah….but…I still like you.

Awww, remember the episode when they had their bromance and were on the football team together? Ok seriously now. Is Stefan enrolled in high school or not? And if so, can he be on the team again, or join the soccer team, or…basketball…or…what season is it now? Basically, can he do anything that may or may not involve him wearing a shirt? PlzKThnx!

In the Bathroom of The Only Restaurant

Caroline: The boy is mine!

Elena: I know.

Caroline: B*tch step down!

Elena: I’m not trying to steal him!

Caroline: Grrrr

Then on the way back to the pool table, the Bad A$$ Vampire grabs Elena’s arm.


B.A.V.: Katherine?

Elena: ...
B.A.V.: Katherine it’s me the Bad A$$ Vampire

Elena: Wrong person, gotta go. *sends text message to Stefan* That guy called me Katherine.

Stefan: Super Concerned Investigative Face

Stefan: So should we go and figure out who the new vampire in town is?

Elena: Are you kidding? We’re having the best double date ever. Let’s forget it. I mean, that other vampire will probably try to kill me in the next 20 minutes, but whatever. It’s cool. Double Date Ahoy!

The Double Date moves to Salvatore Mansion

Caroline: Weird…I feel like I was here before…one time when I was compelled in a vampire trance to free Damon from a prison in the basement…..and then he tried to bite me but I ran into the sun and barely escaped and ....huh...what was I talking about?

Matt: OOOOOH! Toy Cars!

Stefan: YES! Another boy who loves cars as much as I do, come and see my most awesome car ever that I don’t drive because it doesn’t work and even though I’m like 200 years old and may or may not have gone to med school, I don’t know how to fix an engine.
Matt: Hey Elena, remember your dad’s sports car that we used to make out in?
Ummm….is this the car that her parents died in? Seems like a sore topic of conversation to me… Also…how come Elena no longer has post traumatic stress about driving in cars. I mean, ok, she only had PTS for one episode, but still….continuity people! It’s awesome.

Caroline: Excuse me while I storm off in a fit of girl rage!


Back at the Only Restaurant:

Damon and Matt’s Mom: Cherry-Stem-Kiss

Aunt Jenna: Threesome out! Bye guys.

Aunt Jenna then stumbles out the back door and breaks her shoe and the Bad A$$ Vampire is there and helpfully breaks her other shoe for her.


Aunt Jenna: Um…thanks?

B.A.V.: SO baby, you want to go for a ride?

Aunt Jenna: Hahaha! Lamest pick up line ever.

B.A.V.: *Uses super compulsion* I bet you’ve thought about me naked.

Aunt Jenna: Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.

B.A.V: Really?

Aunt Jenna: NO!

B.A.V.: WTF!?! I mean… My you smell lovely, what perfume are you wearing?

Aunt Jenna: Anti-Damon and…there’s my cab. See Ya!

B.A.V.: WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE THE ANTI-DAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back at the Double Date:

Elena: I told you! I told you we’d have to have a girl moment and it would suck.

Caroline: Whatever! Like you care. You’re the star of the show, you can do any scene and the camera still loves you.

Elena: What are you talking about?

Caroline: Shut up! You know you’re on the cover of SEVENTEEN Magazine this month. Everyone loves you! Crap, I’m talking and the camera is still filming you, not me.

Elena: Look, I can’t help that I’m the star of the show, but you’re my best friend.

Bonnie: *Screams off-camera* I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND!

Caroline: Shut up, Bonnie! You’re not in this episode.

Elena: Where is Bonnie anyway?

Caroline: Not the point. I’m pouty remember?

Elena: Why were we fighting again?

Caroline: Can you focus on anything beside yourself?
And then somehow Matt, football jock and bus boy has fixed Stefan’s fifty year old car. Ok, Matt, if you can do that…why aren’t you apprenticing for a mechanic…you could make soooo much more money that way?

Stefan: Matt and Caroline, go take my car for a spin, get busy, have fun…use towels, the upholstery is vintage. *wink*

Elena: That was noble of you.

Stefan: I just wanted to get rid of them so we could have some fun.
Elena: Naked fun?

Stefan: No…cuddling.

At Elena’s

Jeremy and Anna are in the kitchen making food and when Anna isn’t looking, Jeremy slices his hand open.

Jeremy: Oops! Paper cut. Anna, pass me a towel.
Anna: No!
Jeremy: Come on….it’s just a little blooooooood.
Anna: VAMPS out and slams Jeremy against the fridge

Jeremy: I knew it!

Anna: Why are you doing this?

Jeremy: Drink, Anna! Do it!

And then she bites his hand and he’s writhing against the fridge and OMG until…Aunt Jenna walks in and Anna is GONE!

In Stefan’s Car:

Matt: This car is SO hot!

Caroline: You’re supposed to say I’m hot.

Matt: Ok, did I pass the test? Did I pass the I’m over my ex-girlfriend and want to actually date my current girlfriend test?

Caroline: I don’t know.

Matt: Well, you’re the only one I want to be in this car with.

Caroline: Really? *swoon*

Matt: Did I say that ok? The writers don’t give me a lot of lines…I’m not that good at reading dialogue and…

Caroline: It was perfect. Kiss me!

Epic Love Scene Music: Is Playing

Love Scene Between Matt and Caroline: Has been cut because we’re only allowed to see epic love scenes between Stefan and Elena.


Salvatore Mansion:

Damon and Matt’s Mom: Pre-Sex Kiss

The Wall: Ooomph

And then Matt walks in on them and the party is over! Matt runs out after his mom and Caroline, Elena, and Stefan make judgey eyes at Damon.

Stefan: You slut!

Elena: Ok, time to go home.

Stefan: Should I drive you?

Elena: No, I can drive myself. We’re supposed to have a normal night and I can’t always have you driving my car, watching me sleep, sleeping over when Aunt Jenna doesn’t know you’re there and monitoring my heart rate. I can drive myself home.

Stefan: I just get so worried about you.

Elena: I’m fine.

Bella Swan: WHAT is wrong with her?

Stefan: Walks away

Edward Cullen: Does not approve!

Then Stefan goes back in the house and the B.A.V. jumps through the window—ATTACK—and some other vampire is there too and Vampire Fight! Stefan stakes some other vampire until she is le dead after he gets some glass in his heart and then the B.A.V. jumps back out the window and Damon and Stefan stare at each other like Oh Crap and then Damon is like, oh yeah by the way…all the vampires in the tomb have escaped and want to run for mayor.


Stefan: :O

Vamp Farm

The B.A.V. arrives sans some other vampire

Pearl: Where’s some other vampire?

The B.A.V.: Dead

Pearl: I told you not to leave! Poor baby, you want a drink?

Then Pearl goes and pours the B.A.V. a glass of blood and then stakes his stomach with a wooden spoon proving once and for all that Pearl is the Queen of Bad A$$es!

At Elena’s:

Anna jumps through Jeremy’s window.

Anna: What were you thinking? I could have killed you! Why would you confront me like that? Why would you risk your life? Why would you put yourself in so much danger?

Jeremy: Well you didn’t kill me.

Anna: But I could have!

Jeremy: Well, look I figured out your secret and I wanted to know the truth and also…I want you to turn me!

Bella Swan: Now we’re talking! Jeremy is my favorite character!

Edward Cullen: NO!

Bonnie: Can I PLEASE be in the next episode?

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Bonnie: Please?