Vampire Diaries Season 2: Episode 1: The Return

Opening Credits

Uncle John: Is in the kitchen

Katherine: Is in the kitchen

Jeremy: Is dying

Elena: Is coming in the house

Uncle John’s Fingers: Are no longer attached to his hand

Uncle’s John’s Stomach: Is bleeding

Katherine: Is a bad ass

Elena: OMG Uncle John! You have no fingers! *calls 911* Don’t die! Don’t die! I never liked you very much but I don’t want your death in my kitchen.

Uncle John: Behind you!

Elena: What?

Uncle John: BEHIND YOU!


Ooooh Kevin! I love it when you recycle dialogue from Scream.


Elena: Looks behind her and grabs the bloody knife

Elena then proceeds to slowly walk through the house holding a knife when something flies past her. Then again! Look out Elena! It’s Billy A guy in a scream mask Katherine! But then she’s gone and Elena goes to find Jeremy in all this and sees him dying and then…Jeremy wakes up!

Approximately 15 minutes later (depending on how fast the ambulance service in Mystic Falls is) in Jeremy’s room

Jeremy: Crap. I feel the same.

Stefan: Vampire-Doctor’s Jeremy: My final diagnosis—you’re human. Anna’s blood saved you from dying.

Jeremy: I can’t believe I screwed up my own suicide-vampire-rebirth. Crap!

Stefan: *menacingly* Well Anna’s blood is leaving your system so whatever the eff you do, don’t die! Because then you’ll be dead. Like dead-dead. Not un-dead. You’ll be—

Jeremy: Ok! I get it. I’ll be dead. No more suicide-vampire-rebirth attempts.


Mystic Falls Hospital:

Bonnie: Is Caroline dead yet?

Caroline: I heard that! And my contract is not up!

Meanwhile Damon shows up to comfort Officer Forbes about the death of the werewolf Mayor Lockwood. Why was he locked up? WHAT was he?!?

Elena: So is Caroline dead yet?

Caroline: I am NOT dying!

Matt: Shhhhh, honey, save your strength.

Bonnie: Hey vamp-boy, give her some blood to heal her.

Damon: Are you for real?

Bonnie: Do I LOOK like I’m joking?

Damon: Ok fine, I’ll do it. Also, Elena can we talk about the fact that we just K.I.S.S.E.D!?!?

Elena:????????????????

Damon: We kissed.

Elena:…

Damon: My lips touched your lips, your lips touched my lips. Btw I like your choice in lip gloss flavors.

Elena: Damon, I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about.

Damon: HDJKDIJNWSUDESWHNDUDEEHD!!!!!!!!!

Aunt Jenna: Hi, I’m in this episode for one minute! I just came from that place that I told you I was going to at the end of season 1.

Elena:…

Damon’s Eyebrows: Realize it was Katherine at the house and not Elena…

La Casa De Elena:

Stefan: Hi Elena!

Katherine:…

Stefan: I love you, Elena, my little Lovely-Love.

Katherine: *swoons*

Stefan: *Vampire Face* *Katherine-Wall-Smash*

And then she disappears just as Damon and Elena walk in the door.

A few minutes later…

Stefan: Katherine said she fooled one of us. What did that mean?

Damon:…

Stefan: I swear to God, Damon! What happened between you and Katherine when you thought she was Elena?

Damon: Well, we kissed.

**FIGHT**

Stefan: I can’t believe you kissed, Elena!

Damon: I didn’t kiss, Elena. I kissed Katherine.

Stefan: But you thought she was Elena!

Damon: But it wasn’t Elena!

Stefan: I can’t believe you not-kissed my girlfriend you bastard!!!

Damon: WTF is wrong with you?

Elena: Boys!

Damon: Ok, truce. Let’s go find Katherine and kill her. A lot.

Mystic Falls Hospital, Caroline’s Room

Bonnie: How is Caroline today?

Caroline: OMG! I’m totally better. I’m awake and I’m healed and really why are you guys crying? I mean, I’m fine. If you want though I’m great at acting dead while you cry over my body. Want to see?

Matt: No, that’s ok. Let’s kiss.

Caroline: *checks that the camera is still on her* K!


Mystic Falls Hospital, Uncle John’s Room

Uncle John: OMG! Get away from me!

Elena: It’s cool, Uncle J. I’m Elena, not a murderous undead creature of the night.

Uncle John: Oh ok.

Elena: Oh here’s the special ring that you can’t wear anymore because you have no fingers.

Uncle John: I’ll just hold it.

Stefan: Now, answer some questions for us. What does Katherine want?

Uncle John: No, I hate vampires. Now get out of my room.

Elena: Uncle J, you suck. *flounces*

Stefan then makes an unbelievably sad-emo-vampire face and looks ready to launch into his “I have a dream about vampires” speech--Why do you hate me? I’m only your local emo! But then….VAMP FACE!!!!!!!!!!!! Stefan forces Uncle John to drink his blood so if he dies in the next 24 hours he’ll be a vampire and be really be vexed by that turn of events even though maybe it might mean his fingers will grow back and then Uncle John promises to leave town because no one liked him anyway.

Dude! Stefan is a bad ass in season 2! Hot!

Stefan: Elena, I threatened Uncle John—he won’t bother you anymore.

Elena: Sweet!

Stefan: Now excuse me while I challenge Damon to a duel so I can defend your virtue for being Not-Kissed by him.

Edward Cullen: I have your back!

Lockwood Mansion:

Mrs. Lockwood: Why was my werewolf husband killed like a vampire!?!?

Officer Forbes: He reacted to the device. Maybe he was a vampire.

Mrs. Lockwood: He was NOT a vampire!

Damon: He was something…

Tyler watches as his uncle arrives. He looks like another douchebag. I think it runs in the family. Also, his smile is…dare I say it…wolfish.


Damon and Bonnie talk and they are getting heated!

Prediction: Bonnie and Damon kiss before season 2 is over.

Things are escalating…until Bonnie witch-headaches Damon. Ow!

Bonnie: Oh hey, Elena! Thank goodness you’re here. I hate Damon!

Katherine: Word.

Bonnie: I’m so glad you’re here. *friendly arm pat* OMG!

Katherine: What?

Bonnie: I see dead people. Nothing…gotta go. *flounces away* *calls Elena’s cell phone* OMG! Where are you?

BEHIND YOU, BONNIE! BEHIND YOU!!!!!!

Katherine: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Katherine. You’re the witch friend, right? I’ve been learning all of Elena’s life like I’m her understudy or something.

Bonnie: *witch-headache’s Katherine*

Katherine: Ow! Ow! Ow! Hehe, KIDDING! I’m like 300 hundred years old, you can’t hurt me! *Bonnie-Wall-Smash*

The Wall: OW! Oomph! *cries* WHY!

Bonnie: *witches the door open*

And Katherine can’t kill Bonnie now because someone might see.

Stefan: Leave her alone, Katherine!

Katherine: Whatever, come walk with me.

They head out just as Damon and Elena show up.

Damon: So we kissed.

Elena: No, we didn’t. We not-kissed.

Damon: I know, but I thought I kissed you and we need to talk about the fact that I intended to kiss you and then I did kiss you only I didn’t kiss you because it wasn’t you.

Elena: You’re giving me a headache.

Damon: So what you do think?

Elena: About not-kissing?

Damon:…

Elena: Surprised.

Damon: Really?

Elena: I’m surprised you thought I’d kiss you back.

Damon: DNSNEJUDOFDJWIWLMDFKSDKSJDA!!!!

In Some Room of Lockwood Mansion

Jeremy: So I’m sorry your dad’s dead.

Tyler: Whatever, he sucked.

Jeremy: My dad died too.

Tyler: Let’s drink.

Uncle Lockwood: Give me that flask!

Uncle Lockwood and Tyler: *drink…wolfishly*

Outside Lockwood Mansion:

Katherine: So did you miss me? You got hot.

Stefan: I was always hot and no I do not miss you.

Katherine: Right, so that’s why you’re madly in love with my clone.

Stefan: I never loved you, you compelled me. I hate you, go away!

Katherine: You hate me? *STAB* Sounds like the beginning of a love story, not the end of one.

OMG….Wuthering Heights! And her name is Katherine!

Edward Cullen: That's my favorite book!

Elena: *cleans Stefan’s wound*

Everyone pause! Stefan’s showing his abs!!!

Damon: Ew, pull your shirt down. So I guess Katherine was trying to steal yo man, Elena. Funny, Stefan since I tried to steal yo woman!

Stefan: Don’t start, Damon! We can’t fight, we have to stand together.

Edward Cullen: *stalks behind a bush* Oh hell no! Fight! Defend her virtue!

Stefan: You kissed Elena Katherine because you felt something human, don’t lose it.

Damon’s Eyes: Go wild!

Meanwhile back at Elena’s Uncle John leaves and gives his special ring to Jeremy and tells him that being a Gilbert comes with great responsibility.

Jeremy: Uncle John, this isn’t a Marvel Comic!


Lockwood Mansion:

Tyler is going nuts and smashing his dad’s picture and breathing hard and OMG he is going to WOLF any second until his Uncle jumps him and holds him down, tightly….whoa there.

Salvatore Mansion:

Damon: Katherine….you’re here.

Katherine: Just came to say goodbye. *pouts*

Damon: Ok now go before I kill you.

Katherine: You can’t kill me. You’re not capable.

Damon: Oh yeah?

**FIGHT**

***KISSING***

****SHIRTS ARE BEING RIPPED OFF****

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Oh never mind, this is hot! Also….Katherine has fabulous taste in bras!

Damon: Wait!

Katherine: Are you serious?

Damon: Just tell me one thing and we can continue to sexing

Katherine: Sorry dude, but I never ever loved you. It was always Stefan.

Damon: Is crushed!

OMG, Damon NEEDS a hug!

La Casa De Elena:

Super emo music is playing while Elena gets ready for bed and then finds…Damon! He’s on watch since Katherine can get into her house at any time. But he’s also sad. And drunk.

Elena: Damon, why so sad?

Damon: You don’t care. You were surprised that I thought when I not-kissed you that you’d kiss me back. Elena, SOMETHING is going on between us! Remember the last few episodes of season 1? We were getting hot and you’re lying to me if you say you feel nothing because I saw the Miss Mystic Falls episode on repeat this summer!

Elena: No. I only love Stefan.

OMG, so the wrong thing to say and then CRAP! Damon gets all rapey and kisses her and tries to compel her and then….Jeremy runs in to save the day and Damon snaps his neck!

O.

M.

G.

Elena: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Damon leaves to go smash things at his mansion.

Stefan: I don’t think Damon, meant to kill Jeremy. He was wearing the special ring.

Elena: Yes, he did! I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!!!

Mystic Falls Hospital, Caroline’s Room:

Caroline: Elena? Is that you? Wow! This is so cool. I’m in the last 5 minutes of the episode…wait…that’s bad.

Katherine:…

Caroline: Elena?

Katherine: No, it’s Katherine and give a message to the Salvatores for me. Game On!

Caroline: Wait! There’s two of you now? NO! You’re going to have twice as much face time as me now!

Katherine: I already had twice as much face time. Hello! I’m in the flashbacks. *vampire-pillow-face-smush*

Caroline: Nooooooooooooooo! I don’t want Vicki’s plot line! *calls Kevin Williamson* Kevin, is my contract up?

Kevin Williamson: *writer-pillow-face-smush*

Caroline:….

Elena’s Diary: Hey…remember me? Where’s my contract.

FIN

OMG you guys! Vampire Caroline….
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