Lockwolf Woods
Jules: *is naked and bloody* Ugh. Full moon hangovers are the worst. *walks around*
Dead Bodies: Are plenty, bloody, disembodied and very, very dead.
Jules: I’d better go until my next period the full moon comes again. Time to burn the bodies!
Police Officer: Arrives on the scene, randomly, in the middle of the woods, for no reason at all...
Jules: *tears on demand*
Police: Don’t worry, Miss. I’ll take care of this.
And then he turns around like a total idiot! Dude! You are an extra! In the opening credits! Of The Vampire Diaries!
And…you’re dead.
Stefan: Is SHIRTLESS!
Stefan and Elena: KISS!
Then there’s some mushy talk about never ever leaving each other’s side ever again except for the fact that Elena keeps trying to get her self killed and then Elena mixes a vervain cocktail and takes a sip… and its bitter…and then Stefan takes a sip…and DIES!
Also, Stefan thinks its about time Isobel guest starred in another episode. *calls casting director*
Meanwhile....In Damon's Room
Rose: I’ve been in like 6 episodes. That’s a good long life for a guest star. I can be written off.
Damon: It’s about the amount of episodes Vickie lasted. But Anna lasted 7.
Rose: Really? Check the script.
Damon: Ummm, yeah you’re going to die tonight.
Elena: Since Rose is being written off the show, Casting Stefan’s bringing Isobel back.
Caroline: Eye sexes Tyler
Caroline: Next time you become a wolf let’s reinforce the condom wall.
Caroline: Because…*giggle*…ummmm *giggle* I shouldn’t tell you…*giggle* you bite me, I die?
Matt: Enters the scene
Caroline: I didn’t have eye sex with Tyler. Hi!
Matt:…
Caroline: Are you okay?
Matt: I…uh…just…uh…man! Dialogue is so hard for me. Let's just...
*KISS*
Caroline: Ummmmm, I gotta go!
Salvatore Mansion
Salvatore Mansion
Mystic Falls
That Night at the Mystic Falls Pep Rally
Rose: Hello friendly janitor...
Janitor: Oh no...I'm an insignificant Extra out at night. Does this mean...?
Salvatore Mansion
Salvatore Mansion
So Elena tries really hard to console Damon but its hard to do because honey, dude is messed up inside and he's in love with you and if you really want to get anywhere with him you'll freaking admit you love him too and maybe make some sweet vampire love to him bc Im pretty sure that when this happens the scene between you and Damon will totally pwn the scene between you and Stefan. But alas, Elena is pretty useless in this episode.
The Highway
Some girl is driving down the road in the middle of the night by herself and sees something suspicious on the road...a dead body? A vampire?
And because this girl:
A) Doesn't realize being cast as an extra in the final scene of Vampire Diaries equals instant death and
B) Obviously does not read mass chain-letters about new scams bad guys use to get young women....
She gets out of the car!
Damon: I'm lost in the middle of the road. Hehe! Literally and figuratively!
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Jules: Hi. Sheriff Forbes, did you find Mason's dead body Mason yet?
Alaric: *calls Damon* Wolf in the TORIMF! I repeat, Wolf in the TORIMF!
Stefan: Hey Alaric, what are you doing in this episode?
Alaric: Sending cryptic messages to Damon.
Stefan: Man, remember when you used to have a real story-line? Also can you give me Isobel's old number?
Alaric: Sure, but can I pretend like I don't have it for a few minutes to increase my screen time?
Stefan: Dude, just text me the number.
Alaric: Fine!
Rose: This is the lamest story-line ever! The make up department is making me look all sweaty. And Hair--she hasn't even seen me today. You can't even tell what I'm wearing under Damon's sheets...
Elena: *is uncomfortable in presence of Damon's sexy space sheets* Don't worry. You'll probably look really pretty RIGHT before you die.
Rose: I better be running through a freaking field in a pretty dress with white horses. I hope so. Ok need a nap.
Elena: Bye!
Rose: Trevor! Prepare the horses....AH! I'm delusional. I need blood! *spits up* I don't need blood!
And then, even though she is DEATHLY ill and can barely life her head....Rose Vampirizes her way across the room like a Cullen and slams Elena into the wall.
Rose: KATERINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elena: Stop! I'm not Katherine! I'm Elena!
Rose: Oh...sorry, you look so similar.
Elena: We are played by the same actress.
Rose: *back to bed* I want old London again, with horses and tree and pretty blue dresses in the wind....
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
So Damon is there and runs into Jules because its the only place in town she's figured out how to get to, also its the only one that serves food. And beer. Damon tries to threaten Jules so she'll tell him the cure for a werewolf bite. And Jules once again proves she's a bad ass (but only when she's having her period its a full moon). Also Stefan apparently has gotten in touch with Isobel and disappears. Wow, you have almost as much screen time as Alaric this episode.
Elena: Rose? I brought you new sheets.
Rose: *Is NOT in bed*
Elena: *wanders through house*
Creepy Noises: Are creepy. And noisy
Camera: Captures Elena in classic horror movie pose
Elena: *calls Damon* Ummmm come home now! This vamp is freaking me out!
And then Elena finds Rose, sitting on the floor nomming the blood bags like she has rabies and...
Rose: *Vampirizes Elena into the wall* KATERINA!
Elena: Not again! Check the script! Check the script! *maneuvers Rose into the sun*
The Sun: I Burn Vampires!
Vampire Rings: Unless they have us!
The Sun: Shut up!
Rose: *Vampirizes Elena AWAY from the sun* KATERINA! I KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Elena: *wound-scratch*
Elena then escapes and locks herself in a room and RUNS onto the patio into the sun where Rose cannot possibly come and kill her dead, except she doesn't stay there because she truly IS suicidal and maybe a little bit on the slow side. She runs back into the room where Rose MIGHT get in and vampirize her to death and she picks up a weapon but we KNOW Elena can't use weapons and she's going to get herself killed, which is actually her favorite thing in the world to do and seriously--GO BACK OUTSIDE INTO THE SUN! WHERE IS DAMON??!?!? Why did he let Elena babysit the ravenous psycho vampire who hates her doppleganger?
Rose: *cough, cough* Elena? I'm sorry. I'm normal again. Please...come, help me!
Frankie: DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, ELENA! DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!
Elena: *Opens the door*
Frankie: *facepalm*
Elena: *walks through house* *holds weapon she can't use* *Runs into...*
Damon: Sup? Where's Rose?
Matt: Caroline, you know I kissed you earlier?
Caroline: Um, yeah. I was in that scene.
Matt: So what's wrong? Why did you run away?
Caroline: Because I'm a vampire and I can't be with you or I might kill you.
Edward Cullen: *yawns* How very New Moon of you.
Caroline: *glares* Because I may also be in love with a werewolf.
Edward Cullen: How very Eclipse of you.
Matt:...
Caroline: Because I love you. And I gotta go!
Matt:...
Matt:...
Kevin Williamson: Yes, yes it does.
Rose: Woohoo! *Vampirizes the janitor and kills him dead*
Then Sheriff Forbes works with Damon to hide the body and Elena wonders why Stefan won't answer her calls and Damon SO does NOT care.
Random Couple
Girl: I think a guy like died back there, hehe. Do I look hot?
Boy: SO hot! Get in the car first and I'll walk slowly around to the other side.
Girl: *reapplies lipstick, fluffs hair, waxes bikini line* He sure is taking a lot of time to get in the car...
Rose: *Vampire Window Smash*
Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Damon: ROSE! *Vampire Throw Down*
Rose: OMG! Did I kill those people? I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone ever. Except that one time I was going to have Elena killed. Also the time I knocked her unconscious. Oh and that guy we hired to kidnap Elena. We killed him. But... My point is...make it stop!!!!
Frankie: Seriously, Damon! Make it stop. You've killed others for far less.
Salvatore Mansion
Rose looks showered and is in bed and is sorry she killed people and tells Elena to fight and not get dead and she also says how being a human haunted her and then starts CONVULSING, and clutching her stomach and SCREAMING and this is EXACTLY how I imagine the birth of Renesme.
Caroline's House
All you need to know about this scene is that Tyler and Caroline KISS and it is everything I dreamed it would be! YAY! And then she stops and runs inside.
Damon: Holds dying Rose
And now we’re in Rose’s fantasy of 1400s London
Rose: Damon this is the best death/dream/wish sequence ever!
Damon: You're welcome!
Rose: Do you think this juxtaposition of healthy-human-me with the sick-dying-vampire-me will make people cry?
Damon: If that doesn't, then seeing the white horses will. Plus there's the sad music. *single tear*
Rose: You were right--they let me be pretty for my death scene. Ok, ready, let's play tag. 3....2...
Damon: *holds stake over dying vampire Rose*
Human Rose: 1
Damon: *Stakes!*
Vampire Rose: Is dead. And rather shrively as she was 500 years old.
Awww Vampire Diaries! What are you doing to me? You made me cry!
Mystic Falls Pep Rally
Damon delivers Rose to Sheriff Forbes in the back of his trunk. Although he is grieving, never underestimate Damon's ability to use situations to his advantage, particularly when it comes to looking like the hero with Sheiff Forbes.
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls
Jules: Ok, so here's the deal, Tyler. I'm a werewolf, you're a werewolf. Mason was a werewolf. And Caroline's a vampire.
Tyler: What? How did you...?
Jules: Also Mason is dead. And Caroline killed him and I know you're shocked, but you need to stop this vampire/werewolf romance now. Also, wolves can sniff out vamps.
Jacob Black: Yes we can! And they stink!
Jules: Go home, Jacob! You're not even a real werwolf. You're a shape shifter.
Jacob: LIES!
Jules: Breaking Dawn, page 3,097
Elena’s
Stefan: So I called Isobel. And guess who answered the phone?
Uncle John-Dad: Surprise!
Awww, Damon! This is how you learned to hunt with Katherine. Puh-lease get your act together. I want a Damon/Elena love scene. Do not go psycho and set us back another few episodes.
Damon: Goes psycho
The Girl: Is Vampirized
Frankie: *facepalm*
Team Dalena: UGGGGGHHHHHH!
Frankie: *facepalm*
Team Dalena: UGGGGGHHHHHH!
Fin
Yay! The Vampire Diaries recaps have returned! My life is finally worth living again *sigh*
ReplyDeleteLmao, you've done it again, Frankie. These are freaking fantastic. I love Edward and Jacob's little cameo roles. Thank you for giving me my weekly laugh :D
Rose: I better be running through a freaking field in a pretty dress with white horses.
ReplyDelete^ bahhaha
Oh, and the wound-scratch was soooo gross.
Jules: Breaking Dawn, page 3,097
^ It did feel that long.
Deeeelightful! Can't wait to watch with you tonight!
Yay! Thanks guys, so glad you enjoyed:)
ReplyDeleteEye sexes...nice. And, did you see how awesome Damon's bathroom was? I still can't get over the ending.
ReplyDeleteI SO hope that word of these recaps has reached the cast. How awesome would that be...
Great recap - as always. Loved your Breaking Dawn wordcount (yes, that seemed like the never-ending book).
ReplyDeleteOn the phone call thing, though, I really assumed Elena called Stefan. Yes, she knew he was looking for Isobel, but I don't think she realized he'd gone. (She was pretty upset at him by the visit to the school - I think someone wasn't returning his girlfriend's phone calls).
Thanks so much for sharing!
Love it!! I thought I would die of old age before Vampire Diaries came back on.
ReplyDeleteTeam Dalena totally got punched. :( DARN IT!!! So close yet so far away!
Oh so so good, laughing so hard :D Tho how could you leave out Caroline's genius line 'Would everybody just stop kissing me?!' Can't wait till next week.
ReplyDelete