Opening Credits
Elena reads from her Great Great Jonathan Gilbert’s Diary
Diary: I’m in this episode! I'm in this episode! Yay! And it’s time for a…
Flashback to the Year When You Think the Vampires of Mystic Falls are Gone. But They’re Not!
Great Great Uncle Jonathan: And thus, I expelled all the vampires from Mystic Falls
Thomas: Good sir and God save you. Are ye sure you got rid of all the vampires?
Jonathon: Totes!
And thus Thomas and then Jonathan go out to investigate a strange noise that can’t possibly be a vampire because ALL the vampires are gone and some woman is all Oh me! I fear. Are there vampires out there?
Vampire :*leaps*
Jonathan: And then Stefan Salvatore killed us all!
Frankie: Ummm, so who wrote this diary entry?
The Lake House of Dead Parents: Present Day
Elena: So I KNOW Stefan is a vampire and he went on a psycho-killing spree a hundred years ago because he told me last season, and then I signed the "I have a scary monster boyfriend" contract so hearing these things shouldn't bother me. But our relationship hasn't had any drama in a long time. So I'm going to look at him like I'm scared.
Call from Damon: Stefan, sup? Mind if I recap everything that happened last episode?
Stefan: *broods*
Fell's Church Fields AKA A Piece of Land NOT Owned by The Lockwoods
Aunt Jenna: And this is called grass! It started growing here over 200 years ago.
Elijah: Fascinating! I will now proceed to ask you a bunch of historical questions that I know the answer to and you do not since I'm pretty sure you've yet to earn your graduate degree.
Aunt Jenna: Cool! Do you need to ask me anything about future plot points?
Elijah: Yes! Can you tell me if there are any over there?
Aunt Jenna: Let me call Production. BRB!
Aunt Jenna: Let me call Production. BRB!
Alaric: I'm here to stake my claim on Jenna. Also on the fact that I always appear after the first commercial break. WTF are you doing here?
Elijah: Plot points :)
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls
Jeremy: Hey, remember that one time last episode when we kissed?
Bonnie: Hey, remember that one time last episode when my witchyness made me a bad ass?
Jeremy: So you want to practice spells at my place tonight?
Luka: WTF did you do to me last episode, Woman?
Bonnie: IDK
Luka: Then why am I having flashbacks to laying on a carpet surrounded by a thousand scented candles while you rubbed my scalp with baby scented oil?
Bonnie: Stress?
Lake House
Elena: Stefan! I can't believe you ate my ancestors!
Stefan: Ok, seriously, you're mad at me? Your ancestors tried to burn your biological ancestor in a church.
Elena: Oh yeah.
Stefan: Also STOP trying to commit suicide by Original!
Elena: You don't get an opinion now. The diary says you're evil.
Stefan: Sweet! They're talking about me.
Flashback To The Year When Stefan Danced and Drank From Whores
Flashback Whores: Are whorey
Flashback Bosoms: Are bosomy
Flashback Stefan: Is evil!
Flashback Whores: Are whorey
Flashback Bosoms: Are bosomy
Flashback Stefan: Is evil!
Damon: My God, Stefan! This display of depravity is atrocious! Wipe your mouth. Do you have any manners at all?
Stefan: *belches*
Damon: That is it! I'm leaving. I cannot stand this disdain for life you have--they are people! Not food.
Stefan: *ironic chuckle*
Lake House: Present Day
Elena: *sigh* So this is one of those episodes..
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls
Alaric: Man! I can't believe the only way I get screen time is following Damon around. Andy, how many lines do you get?
Andy: Not many. I mostly appear naked in baths.
Alaric: That's not in my contract.
Damon: So why was Elijah looking for plot points?
Enter: Aunt Jenna and Elijah
Andy: I was totally not compelled to invite you over for a murder mystery dinner
Elijah: Good, because those theme parties are so lame.
Damon: My house?
The Tomb of Katherine Cannot Ever Leave Especially if You Kill Elijah, So Just Don't Do That, Okay?
Katherine: Is Decaying
Damon: Got ya blood and some clothes, because we are REALLY tired of that party dress you've been wearing.
Katherine: Is Pretty Again
Damon: So Uncle John got me an Originals Killing Kit. And I'm going to kill Elijah tonight. Will it work?
Katherine:Yes! Do it! Noooooooo! Don't it will keep me trapped here forever because he can't uncompel me to leave.
Damon: Totally killing him tonight.
Katherine: *Brer Rabbited Damon* Hahaha!
The Lake House
Stefan: So I was totally bad ass and drinking everyone's blood and it was awesome.
Elena: How did no one notice?
Flashback to the Year When Stefan Ate Pus-Filled Veterans of War
Stefan: Yum! Scarlet Fever! Ooooh! Amputated leg!
Mysterious Cloaked Woman: *walks into shadows*
Stefan: *follows*
Mysterious Cloaked Woman: Is Lexi!
Stefan: Hey baby.
Lexi: I heard this place was awesome.
Stefan: Want to sleep over?
Lexi: Wait....you actually leave your dinner laying on the floor? What's wrong with you? Don't you have manners?
Stefan: I ate my maid.
Lexi: I've got work to do. I'm in the market for a best friend and also someone to party with Bon Jovi once they're born and get the hell out of Jersey. You in?
Murder Mystery Dinner
Aunt Jenna: I just don't know if I can trust a man who doesn't own a hairbrush.
Andy: Oh I know. Luckily I can totally trust Damon. I can trust him to bite me, and compel me and torture me. Every night. Very consistent that one.
Alaric: Damon, no killing plans when Jenna is in the house.
Damon: Yeah, yeah ok...
Alaric: Dude! I mean it. You keep trying to kill him and failing and if you do it tonight he'll get all pissed off and kill everyone.
Damon: Ok Fine! *crosses fingers* Andy, convince the men to have after dinner drinks in my lair so Alaric doesn't freak out when I kill Elijah.
Andy: K!
Uncle John: *party crashes*
Damon: Oh hell no!
Jeremy's House of Sex
Bonnie: My, those are a lot of candles. And condoms.
Jeremy: And edible lotion too. In the corner over there.
Bonnie: Um, well I kind of need to ask Elena first if I can do you.
Jeremy: But, I'm not really her brother. It's cool!
Bonnie: Oh no, not for that reason. It's just girl-code.
Murder Mystery Dinner
Elijah: Just so you know, Damon. If you try to kill me tonight, everyone dies. Aunt Jenna goes first!
Andy: Let's eat!
Elijah: So I'm very interested in witches who came here from Salem and were burned at the stake. Wonder where that was...
Damon: You do know that you have a witch working for you. Why don't you ask him?
Elijah: Because then the audience wouldn't overhear the plot point.
Lake House
Elena: Man, John Gilbert was totally insane. I mean, he claimed he died in one chapter and then he's still writing in the next. Crazy! Then he drew all these pictures of the Originals Killing Kit. He wanted to make trading cards or something with it.
Stefan: ZOMG! Uncle John gave that to Damon.
Elena: It says that any vampire who tries to kill another vampire with it dies.
Stefan: Brb! *calls Damon* No answer! WTF! *calls Alaric*
Murder Mystery Dinner
Damon: So why do you want to find this Witch Burial Plot Point?
Elijah: Because we found the moonstone ages ago and the audience is getting bored.
Damon: *lifts Originals Killing Knife*
Alaric: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Damon: WTF!
Alaric: If you use the knife it kills you!
Damon: FML
Back at the table...
Aunt Jenna: Excuse me. I need to leave this scene
Andy: Tell me more about witches! Alaric, fetch me my notebook
Alaric: *Elijah-Originals-Stabbation*
Elijah: Is Dead
Damon: OMFG
Alaric: And THAT my friends is how you increase your screen time. Boo-yah! *takes out the knife*
Frankie: OMFG put the knife back in, put the knife back in!!!!!!
Damon: *Dead-Originals-Dungeon-Drop*
Lake House of Flashback Memories
Stefan: So then Lexi showed me how to be a good vampire.
Flashback to the Year When Lexi Waxes Philosophically About Dumbledore
Lexi: Love is the strongest magic there is. It can kill death.
Stefan: I am dead.
Lexi: You know what I mean! It's great. And though you lost your love in a fake fire, one day you will meet her doppleganger and see that she looks exactly like Katherine and because you're a boy and prone to lust and superficial things like looks you will fall in love with her too. You will also entertain the notion of a better haircut. But you can't do that unless you feel love.
Stefan: I'm hungry.
Lake House: Present Day
Elena: Oh look. In chapter 9 it explains how if you remove the dagger the Original can live.
Stefan: BRB! *calls Damon*
Daddy Warlock's
Elijah: Elena! Tracker Spell! Now!
The Dungeon of You Let The Bad Guy Live Again You Idiot!
The Dungeon: Is Empty
Damon: Crap!
Frankie: DUDE! How many times have you not killed him? You need to watch more Kevin Williamson productions. The bad guys ALWAYS come back.
Jeremy's Love Nest of If You Channel Me, I'll Channel You
Jeremy: Can you like witch my penis into an erection?
Bonnie: You don't really need to be a witch to do that...
Jeremy: Can you witch it bigger?
The Door: Slams open
Daddy Warlock: *witches Jeremy against the wall*
The Wall: Oomph!
Daddy Warlock: WTF did you do to my son?
Bonnie: Please don't hurt me! I've never had a successful romantic storyline before!
Daddy Warlock: If his contract is cut short because of your meddling, I will Kill You! *face grab* *leaves*
Bonnie: WAAAAAAHHHHH!
Jeremy: Are you okay?
Bonnie: I can't witch your penis!
The Lake House of Elijah Found You Again You Idiots!
Elijah: *Rock-Bomb*
The Door: *is smashed*
Elijah: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll...
Elena: If you don't put all my friends back on the safe list I'll kill myself right now and Stefan will Vampirize me and I'll give birth to a half-mutant vampire child and name her Renesme.
Elijah: Your bluffing. No one would name their child Renesme.
Bella: Hey!
Elena: *Stabs herself*
Elijah: JDNFDHJDFHUDJFIKLFDKDFM Ok, ok, I promise!
Elena: Haha sucker! *Stabs*
Elijah: Is Dead. Again.
Damon: WOOT! Best plan ever!
Stefan: So ummmm, let's leave the dagger in this time.
Frankie: Idiots! Cut off his head! Cut off his head!
Murder Mystery Dinner
Aunt Jenna: Alaric, tell me the truth. Did you appear in scenes without me last episode?
Alaric: Ummmm
Aunt Jenna: You did! You got more screen time than me and you never told me. We have no trust! We're over.
Uncle John: Hehehe
Alaric: Take your stupid Ring-Of-I-Can't-Die and Die!
Lake House Of The Bad Guy Is Dead. He's Really Really Dead! We swear!
Elena: Ok, so look I'll stop trying to commit suicide by original now if you want.
Damon: Oh really? Because we kind of killed your suicide weapon.
Elena: I'll fight to live I promise. But no more secrets. Also, I'm the star of the show. I get to be Captain and I want to pick a team name.
Fin!
Stefan: *belches*
Damon: That is it! I'm leaving. I cannot stand this disdain for life you have--they are people! Not food.
Stefan: *ironic chuckle*
Lake House: Present Day
Elena: *sigh* So this is one of those episodes..
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls
Alaric: Man! I can't believe the only way I get screen time is following Damon around. Andy, how many lines do you get?
Andy: Not many. I mostly appear naked in baths.
Alaric: That's not in my contract.
Damon: So why was Elijah looking for plot points?
Enter: Aunt Jenna and Elijah
Andy: I was totally not compelled to invite you over for a murder mystery dinner
Elijah: Good, because those theme parties are so lame.
Damon: My house?
The Tomb of Katherine Cannot Ever Leave Especially if You Kill Elijah, So Just Don't Do That, Okay?
Katherine: Is Decaying
Damon: Got ya blood and some clothes, because we are REALLY tired of that party dress you've been wearing.
Katherine: Is Pretty Again
Damon: So Uncle John got me an Originals Killing Kit. And I'm going to kill Elijah tonight. Will it work?
Katherine:
Damon: Totally killing him tonight.
Katherine: *Brer Rabbited Damon* Hahaha!
The Lake House
Stefan: So I was totally bad ass and drinking everyone's blood and it was awesome.
Elena: How did no one notice?
Flashback to the Year When Stefan Ate Pus-Filled Veterans of War
Stefan: Yum! Scarlet Fever! Ooooh! Amputated leg!
Mysterious Cloaked Woman: *walks into shadows*
Stefan: *follows*
Mysterious Cloaked Woman: Is Lexi!
Stefan: Hey baby.
Lexi: I heard this place was awesome.
Stefan: Want to sleep over?
Lexi: Wait....you actually leave your dinner laying on the floor? What's wrong with you? Don't you have manners?
Stefan: I ate my maid.
Lexi: I've got work to do. I'm in the market for a best friend and also someone to party with Bon Jovi once they're born and get the hell out of Jersey. You in?
Murder Mystery Dinner
Aunt Jenna: I just don't know if I can trust a man who doesn't own a hairbrush.
Andy: Oh I know. Luckily I can totally trust Damon. I can trust him to bite me, and compel me and torture me. Every night. Very consistent that one.
Alaric: Damon, no killing plans when Jenna is in the house.
Damon: Yeah, yeah ok...
Alaric: Dude! I mean it. You keep trying to kill him and failing and if you do it tonight he'll get all pissed off and kill everyone.
Damon: Ok Fine! *crosses fingers* Andy, convince the men to have after dinner drinks in my lair so Alaric doesn't freak out when I kill Elijah.
Andy: K!
Uncle John: *party crashes*
Damon: Oh hell no!
Jeremy's House of Sex
Bonnie: My, those are a lot of candles. And condoms.
Jeremy: And edible lotion too. In the corner over there.
Bonnie: Um, well I kind of need to ask Elena first if I can do you.
Jeremy: But, I'm not really her brother. It's cool!
Bonnie: Oh no, not for that reason. It's just girl-code.
Murder Mystery Dinner
Elijah: Just so you know, Damon. If you try to kill me tonight, everyone dies. Aunt Jenna goes first!
Andy: Let's eat!
Elijah: So I'm very interested in witches who came here from Salem and were burned at the stake. Wonder where that was...
Damon: You do know that you have a witch working for you. Why don't you ask him?
Elijah: Because then the audience wouldn't overhear the plot point.
Lake House
Elena: Man, John Gilbert was totally insane. I mean, he claimed he died in one chapter and then he's still writing in the next. Crazy! Then he drew all these pictures of the Originals Killing Kit. He wanted to make trading cards or something with it.
Stefan: ZOMG! Uncle John gave that to Damon.
Elena: It says that any vampire who tries to kill another vampire with it dies.
Stefan: Brb! *calls Damon* No answer! WTF! *calls Alaric*
Murder Mystery Dinner
Damon: So why do you want to find this Witch Burial Plot Point?
Elijah: Because we found the moonstone ages ago and the audience is getting bored.
Damon: *lifts Originals Killing Knife*
Alaric: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Damon: WTF!
Alaric: If you use the knife it kills you!
Damon: FML
Back at the table...
Aunt Jenna: Excuse me. I need to leave this scene
Andy: Tell me more about witches! Alaric, fetch me my notebook
Alaric: *Elijah-Originals-Stabbation*
Elijah: Is Dead
Damon: OMFG
Alaric: And THAT my friends is how you increase your screen time. Boo-yah! *takes out the knife*
Frankie: OMFG put the knife back in, put the knife back in!!!!!!
Damon: *Dead-Originals-Dungeon-Drop*
Lake House of Flashback Memories
Stefan: So then Lexi showed me how to be a good vampire.
Flashback to the Year When Lexi Waxes Philosophically About Dumbledore
Lexi: Love is the strongest magic there is. It can kill death.
Stefan: I am dead.
Lexi: You know what I mean! It's great. And though you lost your love in a fake fire, one day you will meet her doppleganger and see that she looks exactly like Katherine and because you're a boy and prone to lust and superficial things like looks you will fall in love with her too. You will also entertain the notion of a better haircut. But you can't do that unless you feel love.
Stefan: I'm hungry.
Lake House: Present Day
Elena: Oh look. In chapter 9 it explains how if you remove the dagger the Original can live.
Stefan: BRB! *calls Damon*
Daddy Warlock's
Elijah: Elena! Tracker Spell! Now!
The Dungeon of You Let The Bad Guy Live Again You Idiot!
The Dungeon: Is Empty
Damon: Crap!
Frankie: DUDE! How many times have you not killed him? You need to watch more Kevin Williamson productions. The bad guys ALWAYS come back.
Jeremy's Love Nest of If You Channel Me, I'll Channel You
Jeremy: Can you like witch my penis into an erection?
Bonnie: You don't really need to be a witch to do that...
Jeremy: Can you witch it bigger?
The Door: Slams open
Daddy Warlock: *witches Jeremy against the wall*
The Wall: Oomph!
Daddy Warlock: WTF did you do to my son?
Bonnie: Please don't hurt me! I've never had a successful romantic storyline before!
Daddy Warlock: If his contract is cut short because of your meddling, I will Kill You! *face grab* *leaves*
Bonnie: WAAAAAAHHHHH!
Jeremy: Are you okay?
Bonnie: I can't witch your penis!
The Lake House of Elijah Found You Again You Idiots!
Elijah: *Rock-Bomb*
The Door: *is smashed*
Elijah: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll...
Elena: If you don't put all my friends back on the safe list I'll kill myself right now and Stefan will Vampirize me and I'll give birth to a half-mutant vampire child and name her Renesme.
Elijah: Your bluffing. No one would name their child Renesme.
Bella: Hey!
Elena: *Stabs herself*
Elijah: JDNFDHJDFHUDJFIKLFDKDFM Ok, ok, I promise!
Elena: Haha sucker! *Stabs*
Elijah: Is Dead. Again.
Damon: WOOT! Best plan ever!
Stefan: So ummmm, let's leave the dagger in this time.
Frankie: Idiots! Cut off his head! Cut off his head!
Murder Mystery Dinner
Aunt Jenna: Alaric, tell me the truth. Did you appear in scenes without me last episode?
Alaric: Ummmm
Aunt Jenna: You did! You got more screen time than me and you never told me. We have no trust! We're over.
Uncle John: Hehehe
Alaric: Take your stupid Ring-Of-I-Can't-Die and Die!
Stefan: Hey Damon, remember Lexi?
Damon: Your bff that I killed? *awkward*
Flashback to the Year When Stefan is More Like Damon and Damon is More Like Stefan and Lexi Offers Some Prophetic Advice
Lexi: This attitude Stefan has, it'll be yours one day. You'll be more like him and he'll be more like you. But with better hair.
Damon: Then I'm off for a haircut.
Salvatore Mansion
Katherine: Is in the shower! Naked!
Damon:???????????????????????????????????
Katherine: I'm here for the role of bad guy. Heard you had a vacancy...
Fin!
LOL, Love it. I kept wondering about that whole flashback/diary scene too. I picture him crawling back into the house, grabbing the diary, just to say "he killed us" then DEATH!
ReplyDelete:)
"Elijah: Your bluffing. No one would name their child Renesme."
ReplyDeleteBest line!
"Elijah: Your bluffing. No one would name their child Renesme."
ReplyDeleteWorst Line! For one, it's you're, not your. And for another, because I'm an obsessive freak, it's Renesmee. Don't ask me how I know that, or why I care, because I'm not entirely sure. Still, spelling and grammar matter!
Oh, and on the dead-but-still-writing-in-my-diary-so-my-ancestors-can-find-uselfulish-information-one-day thing, Original John Gilbert had a magic ring of I-Can't-Die-Unless-It's-An-Acident-Which-Is-Stupid-But-Whatever!
Thanks for the comments, guys:-) Remember, this is all in good fun!
ReplyDeleteAwesome!! As always!!! But please, please, please can we have the next one already?!? I look forward to these recaps almost as much as the actual show!!!
ReplyDelete