Vampire Diaries Recap: Episode 13 Daddy Issues

Opening Credits: Caroline's House

Tyler: *wolf growl*

Caroline: I know, that kiss was HAWT, but...

Tyler: Dead Mason. Vampire Stefan and Damon. UNCLE-KILLER!

Caroline: Sorry?

Tyler: You saw me lose my were-ginity! *Werewolf-Caroline-Car-Smash*

Salvatore Mansion

Damon is NAKED!

Damon is NAKED in the SHOWER!

Damon is HOT WET and NAKED! 

Best. Episode. Ever.

Damon steps OUT of the shower....

Towel: Cock-block

La Casa De Gilbert

News Anchor: More people died this week in mysterious deaths, and since our favorite way to celebrate mysterious deaths and the people who die in this town on a weekly basis is to have a PARTY!

Elena: Uncle John *glares* What are you doing here?

Uncle John: I came to protect you...and because Isobel wasn't available to fulfill the role of guest star this week. Also I know things. But I won't tell you until the end of the episode. It increases my screen time;)

Alaric: Jenna, as long as I keep sleeping with you, I'm guaranteed 2 minutes of screen time every episode.

Jenna: WAIT! WHAT!?! John?!? WHAT?!?

Alaric: My screen time's up. GG!

Jenna: Get out of this episode!

Uncle John: No can do. My contract was renewed. I'm moving in and I'm Elena's baby-daddy.

Jenna:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salvatore Mansion

Stefan: I don't trust Elijah. Vampires that don't die freak me out. And Uncle John's totally going to help us except he won't tell us what he knows because he's an a-hole.

Damon: Stefan, if you EVER came up with a plan that wasn't at least 99% stupid, I'd die of shock.

Stefan: Hey, Remember that one time last episode when Rose died? 

Damon: I hate you!

Caroline Text Message to Stefan: OMG! WTF! 911! Come, come come!

Lockwolf Estate

Jules: Tyler, join the wolves!

Tyler: Maybe?

Caroline's House of Werewolf Betrayal

Caroline: Tyler knows everything! He knew you were a vampire. He knew Damon was too. He knew Uncle Mason was dead.  And we killed him. And somehow, he also seemed to know the capitol of Wisconsin.

Stefan: Wow. Not good.

Caroline: Um, yeah, you need to do more than state the obvious or you'll be relegated to Alaric's level of screen-time. Look, usually--not now--but usually you know EXACTLY what to say, so go say things to Tyler and make it better.

Lockwolf Plantations

Jules: Told ya Caroline was a liar. Ok, let's go. The Wolf-ebago is outside and ready to go.

Tyler: I'm only seventeen. This would be considered kidnapping.

Jules: *use fancier terms for werewolf to intimidate*

La Casa De Elena's

Damon: Where's John?

Elena: Running around town telling everyone he fathered me.

Damon: Let's kill him.

Lockwolf Manor

Stefan: SURPRISE!

Tyler:...

Stefan: *vampire chokehold* Don't be afraid. I only want to talk.

Wolf-ebago

Brady: I'll be playing the role of the sexy hot werewolf this episode.

Frankie: *drools*

Every Girl In America: Oh. My. God.

Dead Teens Memorial

Uncle John: Mrs. Lockwood, can I help with the council?

Mrs. Lockwood: Sure, it's being run by a vampire

Uncle John: *facepalm*

Jeremy: BTW, Uncle John, I still hate you. And I'm keeping my magic-vampires-cant-kill-me-ring.

Bonnie: Daddy Warlock, you work for Elijah. You suck.

Daddy Warlock: Elijah does not suck.

Jeremy: I'm pretending I have a purpose in this episode.

The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls

Jenna: So Elena is my brother's sisters' boyfriend's mother's cousin's uncle's aunt's daughter.

Alaric: WOOHOOO! More screen time!

Uncle John: *has more screen time than Alaric*

Damon: Uncle John! Let's have a chat.

Lockwolf Estate

Stefan: Here's the deal, Tyler. Caroline is the most awesome character on the show. Don't be a douche bag to her like you were most of season 1 and select parts of season 2.

Tyler: *911 call to Jules*

Stefan: DUDE! I'm trying to be your friend.

Jules: The Vamp Hath Hit The Fan!

 The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

Damon: I could kill you.

Uncle John: Not if you want to know how to kill Elijah.

The Streets Of Mystic Falls Are Dangerous for a Female Vampire

Matt: Caroline, you’re not talking to me.

Caroline: Ok, we'll talk later and I totally promise I won't forget to come meet you, or nothing completely out of my control like a werewolf attack will stop me.

Matt: Sweet

Jules: Where is Tyler?

Caroline: IDK?

Jules: *WOLFS*

Caroline: *VAMPIRES*

Jules: *Vervain-mace*

Caroline: AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Brady: *SHOOTS YOU IN THE FACE*

Caroline: *Down*

Frankie: :O I don't think I like Brady anymore...

Wolf-ebago Cage of Vampire Torture

Caroline: *wakes up* *pulls bullet out of face* OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!! *tries to escape*

Brady: *Boob Shoot*

Caroline: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! *sobs*

Lockwolf Plantations

So Stefan is still *attempting* to say the right thing to Tyler and starts babbling about coming to Mystic Falls to start a family. WHAT? Dude! You came to Mystic Falls to stalk the doppleganger of your lost love in a totally creepy way. Also, unless you have some Edward Cullen super sperm in you--you are NOT having a family.

Tyler: *looks thoroughly confused*

Phone Call from Jules: Bring Tyler to the Wolf-ebago in 20 mins or Princess Barbie gets it.

Stefan: I want proof she's still alive

Brady: *Vampire Torture*

Caroline: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Stefan: Let's go!

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

Jenna: Stefan, look a hot news anchor wants to boink you.

Elena: *jealous eyes*

Damon: No thanks.

Elena: *Victory Eyes*

Phone Call from Stefan: So um, things aren't going well

Elena: Please save Caroline's life and save Tyler.

Damon: He's a wolf. I kill wolves.

Elena: *arm grasp*

Damon: Stop. Doing. That. You're overestimating the amount of self control the writers put in the script.

Uncle John: I'm still not telling you what I know. But what's up?

Damon: I gg, watch your kid!

Chamber of The Hottest Guys Give the Baddest Torture


Caroline:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brady: I LOVE torturing vampires.

The Most Awkward Father/Daughter Moment of All Season
Location: The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

Uncle John tries to convince Elena he can keep her safe and he's better at protecting her than Elijah. Elena disagrees.

Elena: Don't call me daughter, not fit to. The picture kept will remind me...

Werewolf-Vampire Hand-Off: The Treaty Line

Stefan: I'm not your enemy, Jules. No one needs to get hurt.

Jules: Give me the boy!

Frankie: Man, why are werewolves always so unreasonable? Vampires just want to get along.

Damon: I don't! And look! No full moon. We win!

Jules: *wolf whistles*

Two Dozen Wolves: *jump out of the trees*

Brady: Which one of you blood-suckers killed Mason?

Damon: OOOH! OOOH! ME! ME!

Brady: Make him suffer!

And then ALL hell breaks loose and the wolves are crawling up the wolf-ebago and trees and Stefan is actually fighting bad-ass and then...

Damon: *Heart Ripped from Werewolf in MID-AIR!* 

Damon: RULES THIS EPISODE!

Meanwhile Tyler runs inside to help Caroline but then totally hesitates and stands there having a momentary relapse into season 1 douchebag Tyler instead of season 2 sensitive Tyler. But then he lets her out and Stefan is stabbed in the back. And Damon fights Brady! Until Jules throws Caroline against the wolf-ebago and WTF! Caroline needs to kick ass right now because she's the best vampire ever! UGH! But Jules has a gun to her neck And Tyler WATCHES!

Daddy Warlock: *Werewolf migraines* Elijah sent me because he's pretty cool. Now get out of here before you die. And wolf-boy, tell your friends to leave town.

Caroline's Front Porch of EVERY BOY WANTS TO KISS YOU

Stefan: *eyes Caroline*

Caroline: *Tortured and Traumatized*

Stefan: Should I come in and comfort you?

Caroline: *tear* No. I'm ok. I'm season 2 Caroline. I Rule.

Stefan: *checks out her butt*

Team Stefaline: *pokes heads out of hiding*

Salvatore Mansion


Uncle John: Look! I just got an Originals Death Kit from Ebay!

Damon: Who sold it to you?

Uncle John: Isobel.

Caroline's House of Being a Vampire Has Thwarted Your Love Life Once Again


Call from Matt: Um, you forgot me.

Caroline: Sorry! Bonnie's here. Crying.

Matt: So, that's not the same Bonnie sitting at the TORIMF with Jeremy?

Caroline: Totally not the same.

Tyler: I'm so sorry about what happened.

Caroline: Do you KNOW what they did to me? They TORTURED me! And you didn't do anything. Our friendship is OVER! *door slam*

Team Cryler: Fail!

Elena's House of You are NOT My Father!


Uncle John: Here's a bracelet from your real mother, the one who raised you. Because you know, I was her brother in law so I had things that were hers. Also I'm a better protector than Elijah. I protect my DNA.

Elena: You want to protect me? Get in line. Everyone wants to protect me! I'm the star of the show!

Stefan: Elena! I need you to come help--

Elena: OMG Uncle John just gave me a bracelet from my dead mommy and I haz a sad and I had a really hard day and please hold me...

Stefan: EGO-MANIAC! You're having Daddy-Issues? Caroline was TORTURED! Sleepover! Her House! Now!

Wolf-ebago


Tyler: Is it always like this?

Brady: Nah, you're just sitting on the wrong side of the treaty line. When we go back to the rez, it'll be cool!

Jules: Why was Mason even here?

Tyler: He was looking for a moonstone.

Brady: A moonstone?

Tyler: Yeah it's season 2's plot point.

Caroline's House of Remember You Have Friends, Don't Be Sad You Were Tortured


Stefan delivers a bouquet of Bonnie and Elena. Then mouths "I love you" to Elena.

Team Stefaline: *Frustrated*

Salvatore Mansion of Damon, Wet and Naked

Damon: Hot News Anchor Woman, you need to distract me. I'm in love with my first love's doppleganger who looks just like her and also loves my brother. Just like her.

News Anchor:....

Damon: So anyway, I kill people. Come here....*BITE*

Bath-water: Blood in the bathtub, blood in the bathtub! We are contaminated.

The Tomb of Katherine is STILL in There

Katherine: Uncle John.

Uncle John: Katherine

Katherine: Sorry bout that time I cut your fingers off. Get me out of here?

Uncle John: Yah. Me and Isobel are on it!

FIN!