The Vampire Diaries: Know Thy Enemy

Elena’s House of Don’t Let The Bad Guy In PLEASE:

Isabel: Sup Aunt Jenna. I’m your current boyfriend’s dead wife. Hey, Elena.

Aunt Jenna: WTF! Why am I always the last to know these things? Elena, you knew she was alive?

The Door: *slams*

Elena: *awkward*

Aunt Jenna: *locks herself in her room* *sobs*

Elena: Aunt Jenna, I can explain.

Aunt Jenna: Not now! I’m having my first dramatic meltdown.  *wails* I finally convinced production I can act. *bangs fists on floor*

Salvatore Mansion:

Damon: Dude, Rick's dead wife showed up on his living girlfriend's door. This is better than that show that's on that one channel on Thursday nights...you know the one with those two brothers and that girl who looks like the other girl...

Stefan: I have NO idea what you're talking about.

Katherine: Just wanted to remind you all that I'm in this episode and despite being the most untrustworthy vampire in centuries, you can totes trust me now. K Bye!

Elena's House of The Grown Ups Are Having Drama:

Aunt Jenna: I need to leave this episode now!

Elena: Why?

Aunt Jenna: I used up all of my acting skills in the opening credits. Also go to the Lockwood's today. It's time for Mystic Falls event 2,342.

Rick: Can we talk?

The Door: *slams*

Uncle John: Oh snap!

Rick: *Uncle John-Face Punch*

Elena: Nice!

Caroline's Car of Phone Commercial Pimpage:

Caroline: Check out my new cell phone with all of these exciting new features WTF! I can't find Matt anywhere and he knows I'm a vamp and is freaking out and this is very very bad. Oh wait. There's a plot point at the Lockwood's today. I'll find him there!

Elena's House of You Let The Bad Guy In AGAIN!

Uncle John: Come in the basement. I have something to show you, Elena. You too, Stefan.

Isabel: SURPRISE!

Elena: STFU! Uncle John WHAT is wrong with you?

Uncle John: She said she knew where to find Klaus.

Elena: Where is he?

Isabel:  Oh I don't know. But I'm here to take you to a safe house because some vampire tweeted that you were the Petrova Doppelganger and now its trending all over twitter and every vampire ever wants you for himself. So you'll come?

Elena: Um....no!

The House of Dead Warlocks

Damon: *steps in doorway* Sweet! Everyone is totally dead!

Jeremy: Why am I in this scene again?

Bonnie: So we can explain things the audience forgot while we went on hiatus.

Things The Audience Forgot On Hiatus:

--All Warlocks belong to the dead.

--Bonnie can harness all the power of all the dead witches ever.

--Damon knows where the Salem Witches Plot Point is located.

--This will Kill Klaus dead.

Jeremy: Oh. So to accomplish this you need to read through all of these books? Bc there are a lot!

Bonnie: Accio Spell Book I need!

Spell Book: *accios*

Damon: Scene!

The Only Foreclosure In Town:

Isabel: Katherine! BFF! Come and give me some loving.

Katherine: *snarls*

Isabel: So to save your butt you betray your Salvatore boys, get my daughter killed and call it a day?

Katherine: Pretty much.

Isabel: Vintner?

Katherine: Yum!

Salvatore Mansion:

Elena: Look, you guys can't bodyguard me 24/7. I'm an independent woman.

Damon: *reaches for every TVD script ever* Um....no. According to these you're not.

Katherine: So just to make sure we're still on the same page, you still won't tell me where the moonstone is?

Damon: That would be correct.

Lockwood Plantations

Officer Forbes: Mrs. Lockwood, I have to tell you. I suspect vampires.

Mrs. Lockwood: That's like saying today is Thursday.

Caroline: Has anyone seen my boyfriend? I can't find him!

Mrs. Lockwood: Has anyone seen my son? He's been missing for several episodes.

Caroline: *awkward* Elena, have you seen Matt?

Elena: I'm way too busy as the star of the show to know where he is. All that matters is people know where I am. Ya know?

Caroline: Damn these double standards! Why is it when the boy vampires tell their girlfriends what they are everything's cool. But when a girl vampire admits what she is....

Rosalie Cullen: Sing it, sister!

Salem Witch Burial Plot Point:

Jeremy: Are you sure this is the right place?

Damon: Have you ever seen this set before? No? Trust me, our budget's not big enough for a fake out. This is the spot.

Dead Witches: *burn Damon*

Damon: OW! WTF! This is definitely it.

The Salvatore Mansion's Bathroom of Lamest Hiding Spot Ever:

Katherine: Now if I were a moonstone, where would Damon hide me? In the fireplace? WTF! Soot on my hands. Must wash in Damon's bathroom. Ooooh pretty soaps! Wait a second...I'm not getting any suds action. Wait....

The Moonstone: She found me! She found me! Mayday! Mayday!

The Rough Streets of Mystic Falls:

Rick: Isabel! WTF are you doing here? You made my GF cry.

Isabel: You know....I always loved you.

Rick: You did?

Surprise Warlock: *Mind Warp*

Rick: *faints*

Isabel: Nah.

The Salem Witches Plot Point:

Dead Witches: *whisper whisper whisper*

Jeremy: Bonnie, this place gives me the creeps. I'm worried about you.

Bonnie: We can make out for a bit.

Dead Witches: *WHISPER WHISPER*

The Lockwood Plantations Event of WHAT?

Mrs. Lockwood: And here to accept this totally random check for our random event is Elena Gilbert!

Isabel: Hi Uncle John.

Uncle John: What are you doing here?

Isabel: *Vampirizes*

All the guests at the party: OMFG! He's dead!

Katherine: Hi Elena!

Elena: :O *is kidnapped*

Stefan: Elena! Let's get out of here.

Katherine-Elena: Oh help! I'm scared.

Stefan: To the vamp-car! Wait a second...you're...

Katherine: *Anti-Damon Stabbation* Seriously, Stefan. Every. Single. Time. 

Salem Witch Plot Point:

Bonnie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Jeremy: Are you okay?

Dead Witches: *WHISPER WHISPER*

Jeremy: This cannot end well.

Lockwood Plantations/Estate/Mansion:

Mrs. Lockwood: Bye everyone. Lovely weather. Oh the dead guy? No....just a demonstration. Don't drink and use the stairs. Oh my, I love your hat!

Officer Forbes: We have to cover up Uncle John's death.

Damon: Um, actually...just give him 5 minutes.

Officer Forbes: ??????????

Matt: Your daughter's a vampire and she vampirized my sister. Can we talk?

Salvatore Mansion:

Damon: What is this? Blood on my shirt. *takes shirt off*

DAMON HAS NO SHIRT ON! DAMON HAS NO SHIRT ON! DAMON HAS NO SHIRT ON!

Damon: I must wash my hands. Where's my tahitian vanilla....

The Moonstone: *is not there*

Damon: F*ck!

The Only Foreclosure In Town/Isabel's Get Away Car:

Katherine (on phone): K, found my moonstone. You got my dopple-whats-it. Now what?

Isabel (on phone): Actually...

Elena: ????????????

Surprise Warlock: *Vampire Headache*

Katherine: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Caroline's House of My Boyfriend's Back and He Thinks I Killed His Sister:

Caroline: Matt, please please please answer your phone and talk to me so I can explain and oh...nevermind. You're at my house.

Matt: Yah so I kind of accused your mom of covering up my sister's death and then she told me to stay here and that I couldn't have any cookies.

Salem Witches Plot Point:

Jeremy: So what kind of new super witch powers do you have?

Bonnie: *darkens sky* *blows wind* I can create atmosphere.

Jeremy: Cool?

The Only Foreclosure In Town:

Damon: This is the ONLY foreclosure in town. Trust. They're here.

Stefan: Except...they're not.

Isabel's Cemetery:

Isabel: Thanks for coming to visit my grave with me, Elena.

Elena: You kidnapped me. Remember?

Isabel: *gets phone call* Oh you got Katherine? I can let Elena go? Cool.

Elena: Wait...so Klaus doesn't need me? Why did you kidnap me?

Isabel: We needed a dramatic scene before commercial break. Anyway, sorry I was a crappy mother. And I'm sorry for this....

Elena: What?

Isabel: All the therapy you will need when this scene is done. *removes ring* *BURRRRRRNNNNSSSS*

Elena: You have GOT to be sh*tting me. Now how am I going to get home?

Caroline's House of You Want The Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth:

Caroline: And that's the truth.

Matt: Ummm, yeah...can you do the mind thing now?

Matt's Brain: Warning! Warning! We are at maximum occupancy. Remove excess information.

Salvatore Mansion:

Elena: I. Am. So. Traumatized.

Damon: *eyeroll* You're the star of the show. You love it!

Stefan: Would the deed to our mansion cheer you up?

The Gilbert House of Spells Don't Lie:

Jeremy: Bonnie....did you read this chapter in the grimoire?

Bonnie: Which one?

Jeremy: The Chapter called "If You Use All the Power to Kill Klaus It Kills You Too."

Bonnie: Accio book.

Jeremy: I can't let you do this.

Bonnie: Accio Jeremy. Let's make out.

Officer Forbes Car of Oh No She Didn't

Matt: Thanks for the Anti-Damon. So about your daughter being a vampire and half of Mystic Falls being a vampire of a werewolf...

Salvatore--Soon to be--Elena's Mansion

Elena: Uncle John, you suck.

Uncle John: Yah.

Elena: But your magic ring seems to keep you from suffering the usual fate of 6 episodes/guest star before dying. So I guess we're cool and I'll see you next Thursday.

Klaus' Palace of Voodoo Magic

Surprise Warlock: Katherine are you ready to see Klaus again?

Katherine: That's Alaric. Not Klaus you moron.

Surprise Warlock: *warlocks over Alaric*

Alaric-Klaus: Hello, Katerina!

Katherine: Wait a second...you're telling me Klaus isn't cast yet? He's just possessing Alaric's body? Why?

Alaric-Klaus: Budget cuts. Muahahahaha.

Katherine: Crap!

FIN!

Off-screen Alaric: YES! I get more screen time! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!