5 ways The CW's new TV shows can improve your query letter.

 Let's be honest, here: I love my TV. I love getting addicted to new shows, and my DVR is my bestie. September is shiny with possibilities that begin at 8/7c every weeknight.

(Yeah, I just wrote that. I feel a bit pathetic now. Anyway...)

I'm super excited about two new CW shows this fall --- Ringer (Sarah Michelle Gellar, I'll follow you wherever you go) and The Secret Circle (ditto Kevin Williamson, I heart you!) --- so I went on the CW website to see when they debut and read more about them.

I was a little... disappointed. I'd seen enough previews to know I'll probably love the shows (I mean, SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR and KEVIN FREAKIN' WILLIAMSON), but the summaries ultimately... fail.

And what made them fail is exactly what can make your query letter fail. It proves that a great concept and hook can get lost in a clunky summary.

But you don't have to make the same mistakes the CW did!
 

Here are three things to avoid:

1) Character soup!
Both summaries listed, at minimum, seven characters. Seven! That amount is both baffling and unnecessary. (Below, I bolded the names the first time they're mentioned. And I included the town name because, really, why do we have to know the name of the town?) It's the surest way to confuse a reader, and it's totally distracting.

2) One long, unbroken paragraph.
No one wants to read sentence after unbroken sentence of text. Our eyes need a space to breathe! It's so easy to lose your place in a giant paragraph, and it's even easier to get discouraged and give up --- especially in an age of 140 characters or less. Punch up your prose by breaking your sentences into natural, short paragraphs.

3) Details, details, everywhere!
Details and subplots add depth to your story, but they weigh down your summary. If it's not absolutely, positively intrinsic to the basic plot, save it for the synopsis. (Specifically, I think Bridget's addiction recovery in Ringer and the friends' parents and townspeople in The Secret Circle don't need to be mentioned.)

However, brief concrete details, when used correctly, keep your summary from being too vague and make it memorable. (In The Secret Circle, I desperately want to know what "strange and frightening" things happen, and what at least one of Cassie's powers is.)

And two things the summaries got right:

4) Length
Both of these are fewer than 250 words. Take out some of the extraneous info mentioned above, and you've got yourself a short, catchy summary.

5) End with a bang.
No matter how clunky the paragraphs get, they both end on a strong hook that makes you want to watch. (The one for Ringer is much stronger, though, because the last sentence of The Secret Circle loses its momentum from the aside, "powers that might be linked to the adults in the town, including Diana's father and Faye's mother." Too many details!)

Read the summaries for yourself, and tell me what you think! (And aren't you totally going to watch these shows too?!) I included possible edits below keeping the basic text the same, but do you have any other suggestions for improvement? (Seriously, my quick edits wouldn't pass muster on Query Shark!)

Tweet

RINGER 

Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a woman who, after witnessing a murder, goes on the run, hiding out by assuming the life of her wealthy identical twin sister – only to learn that her sister's seemingly idyllic life is just as complicated and dangerous as the one she's trying to leave behind. Bridget is six months sober and starting to turn her life around when she is the sole witness to a professional hit. Despite the assurances of her FBI protector, Agent Victor Machado, Bridget knows her life is on the line. She flees to New York, telling no one, not even her Narcotics Anonymous sponsor, Malcolm. In New York, Bridget reunites with her estranged twin, Siobhan. Wealthy, pampered and married to the strikingly handsome Andrew Martin, Siobhan lives what appears to be a fairy tale life – a life where no one knows that Bridget exists. The sisters seem to be mending their frayed relationship, until Siobhan disappears overboard during a boat trip, and Bridget makes the split decision to take on her sister's identity. She discovers shocking secrets, not only about her sister and her marriage, but also about Siobhan's best friend, Gemma, and Gemma's husband, Henry. And when someone tries to kill Bridget in her sister's penthouse, she realizes she is no safer as Siobhan than she is as herself.


Possible edit (181 words, down from 221):

Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a woman who, after witnessing a murder, goes on the run, hiding out by assuming the life of her wealthy identical twin sister – only to learn that her sister's seemingly idyllic life is just as complicated and dangerous as the one she's trying to leave behind.

Bridget is the sole witness to a professional hit. Despite the assurances of her FBI protector, she knows her life is on the line. She secretly flees to New Yorkand reunites with her estranged twin, Siobhan. Wealthy, pampered and married to the strikingly handsome Andrew Martin, Siobhan lives what appears to be a fairy tale life – a life where no one knows that Bridget exists.

The sisters seem to be mending their frayed relationship, until Siobhan disappears overboard during a boat trip, and Bridget makes the split decision to take on her sister's identity.

She never expects to discover shocking secrets about her sister's life -- and when someone tries to kill Bridget in her sister's penthouse, she realizes she is no safer as Siobhan than she is as herself.

THE SECRET CIRCLE

Cassie Blake was a happy, normal teenage girl - until her mother Amelia dies in what appears to be a tragic accidental fire. Orphaned and deeply saddened, Cassie moves in with her warm and loving grandmother Jane in the beautiful small town of Chance Harbor, Washington - the town her mother left so many years before - where the residents seem to know more about Cassie than she does about herself. As Cassie gets to know her high school classmates, including sweet-natured Diana and her handsome boyfriend Adam, brooding loner Nick, mean-girl Faye and her sidekick Melissa, strange and frightening things begin to happen. When her new friends explain that they are all descended from powerful witches, and they've been waiting for Cassie to join them and complete a new generation of the Secret Circle, Cassie refuses to believe them - until Adam shows her how to unlock her incredible magical powers. But it's not until Cassie discovers a message from her mother in an old leather-bound book of spells hidden in her mother's childhood bedroom, that she understands her true and dangerous destiny. What Cassie and the others don't yet know is that darker powers are at play, powers that might be linked to the adults in the town, including Diana's father and Faye's mother - and that Cassie's mother's death might not have been an accident.

Possible edit (174 words, down from 228):

Cassie Blake was a happy, normal teenage girl - until her mother  dies in what appears to be a tragic accidental fire.

Orphaned, Cassie moves in with her grandmother in the beautiful small town where her mother grew up. As she gets to know some of her high school classmates, strange and frightening things begin to happen. (EXAMPLES TO SHOW, NOT TELL, WOULD BE FABULOUS HERE!)

When her new friends explain that they are all descended from powerful witches, and they've been waiting for Cassie to join them and complete a new generation of the Secret Circle, Cassie refuses to believe them. Then Adam shows her how to unlock her incredible magical powers. (LIKE WHAT?!)

But it's not until Cassie discovers a message from her mother in an old leather-bound book of spells hidden in her mother's childhood bedroom that she understands her true and dangerous destiny.

What Cassie and the others don't yet know is that darker powers are at play - and that Cassie's mother's death might not have been an accident.