Vampire Diaries Season 3 Episode 1: The Birthday

Opening Credits: Tennessee

Girl: Now according to the SCREAM movies, the dumb blonde girl in too little clothing is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. So it should be fine for me to go look for my dog at night in my tiny shorts, on my abandoned street...

Klaus: BOO!

Girl: OMG you scared me.

Klaus: I can haz your phone?

Girl: Um…Ok.

Klaus: I can haz invitation inside your house?

Girl: No. I’ll bring it out.

Klaus: But you’re a pretty female extra, outside, at night, in the opening credits, of the Season 3 Premiere!

Girl: Yeah and I’ve seen seasons 1 + 2. Wait out he—

Klaus: *compels* Looks like I’m coming inside!

Inside….

Klaus: Now you and your roommate are going to tell me where I can find a guy named Ray. P.S. He’s a werewolf. And I'm a vampire.

Girl and Roommate: AAAAAAAAH! *runs*

Klaus: Say hello to my little friend.

Klaus’ Little Friend: *is Stefan*

Klaus: Kill them!

Stefan: *Vampirizes*

Gilbert House:

Elena: Another season of Vampire Diaries. Another season of me waking up in my bed with kinda happy/kinda sad girl music playing. *sigh* Wake up, Jeremy. The show’s starting.

Jeremy: Is it Thursday? 

Caroline (on phone): So my mom may have found a clue to where Stefan is. Give her a call.

Elena: Ok, also don’t make my birthday party tonight too big.

Caroline: Uh huh.... *sees Tyler* Hiiiiiiii!

Elena: …

Alaric: *is still on this show*

Elena: Are you sure you’re okay sleeping on the couch?

Alaric: I used to have a plotline. Remember? I also used to have a house. And a girlfriend. So the couch is better than nothing. Btw, Happy Birthday!

Salvatore Mansion:

Damon is in a tub! Damon is in a tub! Damon is in a tub!

And soapy.

Just saying…

Damon: Andy…we’re out of champagne.

Andy: So?

Damon: *stands up*

Candles: *cock blocks*

Damon: *naked walk*

Book shelf: *cock blocks*

Elena: O.M.G.

Damon: *eyebrows*

Elena: Towel! Damon! Now!

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

Jeremy: *lifting boxes in the backroom*

Vickie: Hi!

Jeremy: AAAAH!

Anna: Hi!

Jeremy: I still see dead girlfriends L

Matt: Caroline and Tyler are in my section and I cannot serve them! I have limited screen time this episode.

Caroline: Tyler, why does your mom keep giving me weird looks?

Tyler: Because she thinks we’re K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

Tennessee: Southern Comfort Bar

Klaus: Hi, Ray! I’ve been looking for a werewolf.

Ray: You’re a vampire?

Klaus: I’m the bestest vampire in the world! I’m a vampire AND werewolf, all rolled into one! I even come with my own British accent. Wait a second…aren’t you Simon Camden from 7^th Heaven?

Simon Camden Ray: No! I need to go.

Klaus: I used to LOVE that show! Simon Camden, let’s a play a game.

Simon Camden Ray: *looks at Klaus and Stefan* FML

Tennessee: House of Dead Roommates

Damon: Alaric, don’t tell Elena I’m tracking Stefan.

Damon and Alaric walk into the house and there is blood everywhere and the two roommates sitting on the couch, looking very stiff and very dead.

Alaric: Did Klaus do this?

Damon: Nope, Stefan. This is why they call him Ripper. He feeds so hard he rips his victims apart. Then he puts them back together. *girl’s head rolls off*

Frankie: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Dislike! Dislike! Dislike!

Damon: Time to torch the place.

Salvatore Mansion:

Elena: Damon won’t help me find Stefan. WTF!?!/!?

Tyler: Well you kissed him last episode.

Caroline: TYLER! You weren’t supposed to know that!

Elena: I only kissed him because it was the season finale. Everyone knows that Damon is allowed to kiss me, or Katherine pretending to be me in the season finale. It gives Team Dalena false hope.

Team Dalena: STFU!

Team Stefalena: *fist pumps*

Team Carolyer: Elena, LEAVE! So they can do it!

Tyler: Anyway, I’m going to find my date tonight. I’m horny all the time because I’m a teenage boy werewolf.

Caroline: Really? Me too! But it’s only because I’m a teenage girl vampire.

Tennessee: Abandon Hope All Ye Camdens Who Enter Here

Klaus: Simon Camden, give me your autograph!

Simon Camden Ray: No! I’m not famous for that anymore. I’m just an extra on this show! *is a human dart board*

Stefan: *shoots* *scores!*

Klaus: Then tell me where your pack is. And damn that Damon is still following me!

Stefan: I’ll go and make sure he leaves us alone.

Salvatore Mansion:

Elena: I’m all dressed for my party.

Frankie: Elena, honey. Call wardrobe. That is NOT a dress.

Damon: Got you a birthday present! It’s the necklace Stefan gave you to keep you away from me.

Elena: …

Damon: …

Team Dalena: KISS!!!!!!!!!!!

Damon: *cock blocks*

It’s My Party And I Can Cry If I Want To

Salvatore Mansion is rocking like a Cullen house after Bella’s graduation. But this party includes keg stands. Caroline, please throw my birthday party for me every year for life. K, thanx!

Jeremy: Remember that one time last season when I died and came back to life?

Matt: Uh-huh

Jeremy: Joint?

Matt: Hi, Elena! *kiss-cheek*

Caroline: OMG is Matt high? My transformation into a vampire drove him to drugs?

Elena: Drugs? Jeremy! WTF! That was a season 1 plotline!

Alaric: Remember in season 1 I shot crossbows and sh*t? Now…I chaperone parties. Remember that one time I was in Legally Blonde? That was fun.

Damon: Dude…

The News Room: At Least You’ll Be The First To Know…

Andy: Ok….I’m leaving.

Bright Light!

Andy: Hello?

Brighter Light!

Andy: Um, seriously? Who’s there?

Stefan: ME!

Andy: Stefan! We’ve been looking for you all episode.

Stefan: *vampire eyes*

The Best Party Ever

Tyler: *to his date* I never really knew that you could dance like this. You make this wolf want to speak Spanish.

Caroline: *drink!*

Matt: The writers afforded me approximately seven minutes of screen time. So I thought I’d say hi.

Caroline: You’re talking to me?

Matt: My minute’s up. Bye!

Tyler’s Date: Great party, Caroline!

Caroline: Good. Now leave it!

Tyler: So much for getting lucky…

Upstairs...

Elena: Caroline, I’m going to leave early.

Caroline: NO! You need to blow out your candles and celebrate being a year closer to needing botox because as a vampire, that will never ever be me! Also…stop pining for Stefan. This is Damon’s season.

Elena: I just want to know he’s alive! *looks at closet* OMG! Damon was tracking him and didn’t tell me!

At The Newsroom:

Damon: Andy? Andy? *answers phone* Elena?

Elena: Why did you lie to me about tracking Stefan? I saw your closet.

Damon: Lie? Me? Gotta go! Bye! *steps on Andy’s purse*

Damon: Hello, brother. Missed you this episode.

Stefan: Stop tracking me! You were supposed to let me go.

Damon: Not in the contract. Anyway, I’m noble now and Elena wants to know where you are, so I have to find out.

Stefan: Have it your way. Andy?

Andy: *perched overhead* Damon, he won’t let me move!

Damon: Andy, you can move.

Andy: *can’t move*

Stefan: Andy, move.

Andy: *moves* *falls* *dies*

Salvatore Mansion: Parking Lot

Jeremy: Matt, you're too high to drive. In my car. Now.

Vickie: Hi!

Jeremy: Vickie!

Matt: Dude, why are you yelling my sister's name?

Anna: Peek-a-boo

Jeremy: That's it! We're walking!

Me Love You Long Time

Caroline: All girls OUT!

Tyler: Caroline! WTF! I'm horny!

Caroline: Me too!

Caroline and Tyler: KISS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *leave*

The Closet of Deception:

Elena: Damon, why didn't you tell me you were tracking Klaus' victims?

Damon: They're not Klaus'. They're Stefan's.

Elena: I need to cry again.

Gilbert House:

Matt: So why did you say Vickie?

Jeremy: I thought I saw her.

Matt: Ok, listen. This show is called The Vampire Diaries. Not Ghost Whisperer. There are no ghosts.

Jeremy: But there are werewolves. And witches. And Dopplegangers and...

Matt: No ghosts!

The Power of Reverend Camden Does NOT Compel You

Klaus: Time to make more mini-me's! *wrist slice* Drink, Simon Camden!

Stefan: I'm back. *sad eyes*

Klaus: Aw, you still care about everyone. How quaint.

Stefan: *teary eyes*

Gilbert House:

Alaric: I think the screen writers forgot to give me a purpose. I'm not even sure how I'm on this show right now. So I'm going to go.

Elena: No, my fake step-uncle-guardian!

Tyler's House of Getting It On! AKA The Best Team Carolyer Scene EVER!

Caroline and Tyler are up against the wall!

Caroline: *vampire bed toss*

Tyler: *werewolf bed flip*

The Bed: If you eff me up like that Edward Cullen, I will splinter you!

Elena's House:

Elena: *answers phone from anonymous* Hello? Hello? Stefan?!

Stefan: Elena, I LOVE you, I miss you. I'm scared! Hold me! ...

Elena: Stefan, I love you. You'll be okay. Hold onto that.

Stefan: *nods head* *cries*

Frankie: Well, damn! Right when I was Team Dalena. Well played, Stefan.

Lockwood Mansion:

Tyler: * is NAKED!*

Caroline: *sneaks out*

Mrs. Lockwood: Walk of shame?

Caroline: FML

Mrs. Lockwood: *shoots Anti-Damon darts*

Caroline: Seriously. F.M.L!

FIN!

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